these last few weeks i’ve had a lot of time to just reflect. a lot of things in my life are changing right now, and it’s so crazy how i can see this mature transformation happening, slowly but surely.

God’s really been speaking to me in terms of leadership lately. i’m a student leader, i’ll be an apprentice next year, i’m gonna stay on worship team, i’ll be one of the only christians in a catholic university in the fall, i’m going to africa in august…and this post isn’t about naming my positions, it’s about recognizing the opportunities that God has put me in to show the world who He is. now more than ever i’m going to need these skills. now more than ever God needs to shine through me so that I can let everyone around me know who I’m living for….but I’m so afraid.

i’m so afraid of messing up, and doing something wrong. i’m afraid of what God’s called me to do. no matter what it is. because God likes to play games with me and call me to the things that i’m most afraid to do. like when he called me to africa. that was the LAST thing i wanted to do. or even putting me in a leadership position, He’s pushing me to do things that i know i’m capable of…i just can’t seem to be obedient enough to do them. but essentially what He’s called me to do is stand up for Him, and stand up for His name…and what’s so scary about that? i believe in God, i love God, and yet i feel like i’m constantly saying no to Him. on sunday morning during jerry’s sermon he said ‘if you say no to God enough, he’ll grant you your request.’ and that is so true. i’ve always wanted to push more and try harder for God. always. the desire to do so is literally embedded into me, but following through with it is the hard part for me. 

one of my biggest struggles is understanding this concept that God really does love me, and that He has forgiven me, and wiped me clean, but never truly believing it. no matter what i do, good or bad, it’s never enough for Him. because the truth is that He deserves so much more than what we as humans can present to Him. all He asks is for our hearts. it’s just so HARD to believe that a savior who’s done so much for me can get down on my level and forgive the awful things that i’ve done. and after all of the miracles that God has shown to me in my life you would think that i would understand that. you would think that i would stop doubting Him. stope doubting that He can change me. stop doubting that He can forgive me.

as a christian, i have an incredibly important reputation to keep. and i’m not keeping it for myself, but for God. i need to represent His love every single day. i just want to start living that out, for real this time.

It’s crazy to think that when a regular guy falls head over heels for us, we are the happiest ever, yet when the King of Kings is head over heels in love with us everyday of our life we barely notice it.

(via aboveallhis)

well…it was one of those nights where i just sat up in bed and cried. talking about how i feel aloud is the only way that i’ll ever understand what my emotions actually are. i hate these kinds of nights but at the same time i feel like i need them.

i haven’t written in here in such a looong time :/

here it is…theres a lot on my mind, so bare with me.

today was such an emotional and fantastic day for me.

i had the most incredible day with my third graders EVER. we didn’t even do anything special but I felt like I just connected SO much with them today on a more personal level than ever before and I loved every single second of it. today made me realize that i really was meant to work with kids. which bring me to my next point..actually it has nothing to do with my next point but whatever. don’t judge me.

i can’t exactly say that i’ve been devoting any sort of time to spending time with God at all…and it’s not even because i haven’t had time it’s just that like i haven’t really had the desire to. i’ve definitely been struggling with a lot of temptation lately but whats different about it this time is that in my head I want to follow through and just sin, but my heart has no desire to. and so i’m in the moment, literally a second away from sinning, it’s staring me straight in the face, and i can’t do it…simply because my heart has no desire to. i’ve been growing up a lot lately, and God’s trying to tell me something…i just can’t seem to put my finger on it.

fduifjdfdksjhfsauifh. what is my life right now?